If you have a typical husband, he’s annoying. You love him. But he’s annoying. I myself have one of these husbands. He’s helpful and caring and, though he doesn’t clean quite to my standard of clean, he tries his best. However, as awesome as he is, after coming home from the hospital with our brand-new baby, I found myself getting more frustrated with him than normal. Not only more frequently but more intensely as well.

I should probably front-load this by mentioning that our circumstances were a bit abnormal. My husband was on crutches and a mere 10 days post-op on the day I delivered. I’ll spare the details here but if you really want to know the full story, it is included in my Birth Story – I promise this will not be one of those “on the day I was born” situations where I feel the need to tell my whole life story before I get to the actual event.

So, anyway, yeah. Ten days post-op we get some news of complications with baby’s growth. The recommended inducing the following week. Cool, cool cool cool cool. So now, instead of being a minimum of 4 weeks post-knee surgery, we are going to be a maximum of just OVER 2 weeks. Cool cool cool. 

You can imagine my mental state at this point…

I love my husband.

Anywho, this is why our circumstances are a bit different. However, as I mentioned, the feelings following our return home from MY hospital stay are very similar to a lot of other mom friends I have talked to; that is why it is important to talk about. Especially if you are someone who doesn’t have many mom friends and you don’t know if what you’re feeling is normal. ESPECIALLY if you are aware of these feelings but powerless to stop them – you are not alone! And, if you’re one of those women who does NOT have these feelings, I am happy for you. That’s not to say you don’t have other struggles postpartum, but I’m glad this is one less cross for you to bear. (Also, in looking for a statistic on how many women suffer from feelings of anger postpartum, I found this very thorough study done in Canada back in August 2022. To be honest, I did skim it because it is very scientific in wording but the content was very informative. You can find the study here).

Anyways, continuing on. As I was saying, these feelings of anger and frustration with your partner are not well known or studied but are very normal (in my very informal study from a small town in South Dakota). Below are some ways I have worked out in my head from my own experiences of what this anger feels like, put into words, and theories I have as to where it comes from:

 

Your Healing

Not just physically but mentally as well. Your body has taken a toll the last 9+ months and it doesn’t go back to normal just because your adorable little parasite is out in the world. Granted, their cuteness can help alleviate some of these feelings at times. This doesn’t make them any less powerful when they do arise. Not only are you mentally exhausted from the learning curve of meeting this new person (who is, at the same time, learning to BE a person) but you are physically exhausted from the short bursts of sleep and your body trying to heal itself! No wonder you have LITERALLY 0 energy for anything else.

 

Hormone Levels

Most women know about estrogen and progesterone but, postpartum, you also deal with drastic changes in prolactin, oxytocin, and cortisol levels. Basically, this is what is happening: estrogen drops suddenly leading to hot flashes and mood swings (hello anger!). Progesterone also drastically drops with the effects being almost completely mood-related (mood swings, anxiety, depression). This is where the “baby blues” often come from but it can also lead to postpartum depression or detachment from baby. Prolactin is mainly responsible for milk production. If you aren’t breastfeeding or have low supply, this could possibly be a contributing factor to not be experiencing the postpartum euphoria that so many women talk about.

I am not a doctor so please don’t take my words as medical advice! Always consult a physician if you have concerns or questions

Oxytocin is released during the birth process which aids in contractions and helps with bonding after birth. However, this natural happy-drug doesn’t last long after birth (usually an hour or so). Cortisol is released due to stress. And, I don’t know about you, but having a baby and then caring for that baby (while recovering) is stressful! High levels can lead to fatigue and anxiety/depression.

More information can be found here.

 

Being the Sole Food Source (if breastfeeding)

This was one that I personally had (have) a love/hate relationship with. Nothing beats being able to give your baby what no one else can. Also, nothing is more exhausting than being the only one who can give your baby what they need. The beautiful thing about women is that we are empathetic creatures. My husband and I saw something once (it very well may have been a reel so take it with a grain of salt) that said women sleep with 70% brain activity while men only sleep with 30% active…what the actual heck! 

Add to that the effects of prolonged sleep deprivation cause brain fog and performance deficits, and it truly isn’t your fault that you don’t have the capacity for much else. As this causes your anxiety and depression likelihood to increase, it can become increasingly frustrating to see your partner getting the same sleep or have their sleep be much less impacted.

Even though my husband would wake up to cries, he could go back to sleep versus caring for our daughter (not for lack of wanting to!). I, on the other hand, had to get up and feed her and burp her and rock her and, occasionally, change her). By the time she was back asleep and I finally started to doze off, I would have 1.5-2 hours of actual sleep before she would wake up again.

Now, I would be remiss to mention that your adrenaline after having a baby makes this a bit easier (not easy) to cope with. Plus, if you’re like me, your third trimester started off the sleep-deprivation ball because you had pregnancy insomnia (it was SO fun when I learned that was a thing) or you were getting up to pee every hour or so.

Personal Lifestyle Changes:

Eating more

This is perhaps a soap box I should avoid altogether but it stands to reason a strong point for double standards in the world today. It is also something I am still, to this day, working to reframe my thinking on:

You NEED to eat more. Regardless of whether you are breastfeeding or not, your body is being pushed to limits it likely hasn’t experienced before (even if you have other kids, you have never been a mom of 2 or 3 or 4, etc before). That lack of sleep we mentioned? Well, it comes with an increased calorie need. If you are breastfeeding, that’s an additional 300-ish calories. If you exercise, once you go back to that you then need to compensate for the ones you burn.

Society today burns into our heads that fewer calories will get you back to your pre-baby body. But you JUST had a baby. Even if it wasn’t literally “just,” it took 9 months to create a whole-ass other person! (for more motivation on this, look at my Reassurances & Affirmations but for now, I will stop my rant here).

 

Lack of capacity

You’re a momma bear now (or you now have more cubs) and your bull-shit meter is quite a bit lower in general. While this can’t be an excuse to be frustrated with your husband forever, it doesn’t mean he is completely spared from your protective instincts. Suddenly, you don’t have the mental capacity for people who aren’t supportive or don’t respect boundaries. You’re exhausted and playing with your other kids isn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. Maybe you’re even struggling with being home and don’t have the capacity to listen to cries/care for a tiny person for a full three months.

Either way, none of these make you a bad mom. The only thing that would make you a bad mom is if you don’t love your baby or neglect him/her because of it! Everyone’s threshold for these changes are different so humble yourself but also have some grace with it.

 

Physical Changes

Boob engorgement was a trip. Whether I was leaking or my nipples were in pain from being so full or they were cracked and itchy from being sucked 3 hours a day (+ pumping), this alone was enough to tip me over the edge into a blind rage (though it would be a lie to say I wasn’t enjoying my new cup size!).

Baby crying? Too bad you can’t have a “quick” bathroom break. You can’t bear down and poo fast but, even if you just have to pee, you still need to spray, NOT WIPE, and then pat dry and spray Dermoplast and change your pad.

Tummy flab/stretch marks that weren’t there before can make yourself hard to recognize. Again, I would direct you to my Reassurances & Affirmations on this because me telling you that it took 9 months to LITERALLY create another life and you are now it’s whole world and reason for survival which is pretty damn awesome means nothing but something you can repeat to yourself throughout the day as a reminder may be more helpful.

 

Mom Guilt

Interior dialogue can be your worst enemy and cause praise or admiration from others seem fake. If you’re unfamiliar with the term, Mom Guilt is when your thoughts tell you that you are falling short of what “should” be as a parent. Going back to work will hurt baby’s development. If I don’t do everything my baby won’t trust me or will forget who I am. By staying at home I am robbing my baby of interaction skills with other kids. All of these and more are examples of lies that postpartum hormones and unrealistic expectations put in our mind that can lead to stress, anxiety/depression, and resentment of our partner who seemingly has had not changes to their life. Just because they don’t feel this burden (from impossibly high standards) doesn’t mean they don’t love baby.

Remember, all your baby needs is you doing the best you can in that moment! That’s why accepting help and taking breaks is so important so you can be mentally sound to provide in the way that only you can, Mom!

 

Mom Anxiety

AKA postpartum anxiety which we’ve touched on throughout but is so important it gets its own section. This anxiety is specific to new moms but can extend into later postpartum; it also goes hand-in-hand with Mom Guilt. When you feel as though you need to do everything and everything has to be perfect, it can trigger a fight, flight, or freeze response. While freeze is less common in the saying, it is more common than you might think. These thoughts can cause you to do nothing if you can’t do everything or do it perfectly.

As I mentioned, I am NOT a doctor or qualified in any way beyond personal experience to help with these things

I would recommend speaking to a therapist, spiritual director, or confidant to work through the specific feelings you are having and learn ways to cope or simply survive in your personal circumstances. For some quick tips, you can also check out Surviving to Thriving!

Yes, these are all the things that have changed now that you have a baby. How does this relate to your husband/significant other? It doesn’t. And that’s just it. None of these things apply to him. You see, the difference between men and women is a beautiful thing. Women have the possibility of experiencing all these things (even if they have fertility issues, there are still the biological factors such as hormones and the way we think that make them at least have the capacity to understand how these things are reasonable whereas men who read this may not totally understand what the issue is).

Please note that if you are a woman who struggles to get or maintain a pregnancy, my heart is with you! You are no less a mother or woman because of it. I honestly have nothing to say that relates to you because I have not had those experiences. All I know is that you are a stronger woman than me. Please know of my prayers for you.

THESE reasons are why your husband is more annoying. Especially if, like I said, you are aware of them happening but can’t seem to control or stop them. The only thing I can really say is that it is such a beautiful thing that you can love your baby in a way no one else can. Dad can also love the baby in a way you can’t but these struggles (as endless as they seem) are unique to you.

Whether it is anger or other postpartum feelings (depression, anxiety, detachment, etc.) no one can love your baby the way you can. So even those these feelings may suck at times, they are a beautiful gift – keep in mind, I write this as someone who is now (mostly) over these feelings so it’s a lot easier to say that looking back vs in the moment. Sorry if you want to punch me in the face for saying this while you’re currently going through it and it seems like it will never end…

Aren’t our biological impulses amazing? Aren’t our bodies amazing? Aren’t YOU amazing?